Spare Tire to Spare

One of the few complaints I’ve got regarding MMT – Methadone Maintenance Therapy – is the disgraceful amount of weight one almost always seems to gain while on it. Sure, there are a few lucky ones that seem to escape this horrible fate, but from where I’m sitting they are most definitely few and far between! I’ve gone from a fairly svelte size eight/ten to a seemingly, no, actually, lumpy size fourteen on a good day! Most days I am barely bothered, but on those rare days when I am carefully dressing for a particular event where I know that I shall most definitely encounter particular individuals, this fact never seems quite so galling, never mind appalling. The proverbial albatross around one’s neck to be sure. Might as well weigh three hundred pounds it seems by the time you’ve somehow managed to settle on an outfit. No amount of black can be that slimming, nor can any amount of strategic dressing be that flattering. Don’t believe everything that you read!

For better or worse though, it seems that once on MMT as a female the sooner you accept the inevitable, the better! Don’t get me wrong. I’m not at all suggesting that you use this side effect as a license to eat either, as I know many do. If you gain close to 100 pounds while on MMT, then you were severely underweight when you started or there are whole boatloads of other issues you need to deal with as well. Most seem to be decidedly underweight by the time they start treatment, so it makes sense that this weight should be welcomed. It’s all of that extra stuff that tags along for the ride I end up resenting. Keep in mind that I am not at all suggesting that methadone per se is the cause of the weight gain, as I don’t believe that weight gain is a recognized side effect of methadone as constipation would be.

I believe this weight gain occurs while on MMT because of the overall, generally positive lifestyle changes that an addict undergoes while on MMT. Just as no two addicts are alike, no two stable doses of methadone will be alike, but once that dose has been found, all sorts of possibilities start opening up for the opiate addict. Until this magical amount has been reached, the addict is still susceptible to old behaviour or habits. On a stable dose, all of those brutal and unpleasant withdrawal side effects will have completely disappeared. Also, the opiate receptors of the mind are so flooded that any attempt to use any other sort of opiate will be a waste of both money and time. The addict will feel absolutely nothing. Now up until a stable dose has been reached addicts will try anything and everything in their power to try to find a way around the methadone in their system. Generally, they’ve also got to discover this on their own regardless of how many have gone before them. Doesn’t matter. Until it happens to them, it’s not true.

Until this stage, even though the addict is on MMT and may be on it for months at this stage, old addict behaviours and lifestyles will still figure fairly prominently in their lives. If you’re still trying to use while on MMT then nothing has really changed at this point. Things really don’t start to change noticeably until the addict is at a stable dose. Once all of the side effects from withdrawal have disappeared, their overall body will start to feel better. With each passing day, the muscles and bones start to ache and throb less and less until one day when you wake up and get out of bed; it no longer feels like a chore. It becomes second nature. When in active addiction, our stomachs tend to be in turmoil because of dope sickness or cause we’re too messed up. Either state tends not to be conducive to eating three square meals on a daily basis! Addicts graze at best.

Whatever your drug of choice, whether pills, smack et al, generally there tends not to be some bottomless well providing our vice to us no questions asked. No, that would be far too easy. One of the crosses you have to bear as an addict is the huge amount of time and energy one must invest in the search for their big, ultimate payoff. I am now, depends on my mood though, either the most saintly patient person ever, or I’ve got the attention span of a newborn kitten. Varies by the day and circumstance, though, I figure for every hour I’ve invested in travelling to score, scoring, making it back home again and then actually using, there are probably nine more hours where nothing whatsoever happened except for the waiting, and then some more waiting and some more. On the infrequent day where there is a line at my clinic, I can’t help but chuckle to myself each and every time someone in line complains about how long of a wait they’ve got or how they’ve never, ever been here when there has been such a long line. On days when I can’t take it, I chide them and ask if they’ve never had to wait for a delivery that never seems to arrive! I mean seriously, the absolute longest amount of time I’ve had to wait in line at the clinic in nearly five years has been twenty minutes. I would never have started MMT in the first place If only the dope fairy had bothered to show up in such a timely manner previously.

OK, now that this weight gain is here and there is nothing I can do to fight it in the short run, I do the best I can with what I’ve got for the time being. One of the things that I did learn to do the first time I was in MMT over a decade ago was to learn to sew. Now initially, I was crap but I persevered for a couple of reasons. Specifically, the whole idle hands theory was a huge factor, but mostly because I discovered a love, as well as appreciation, of fabric. I couldn’t stay away from fabric stores and after each visit, I’d arrive home with more and more fabric, all of which I made sure I purchased at ridiculously low prices. So of course, I just kept sewing and sewing until one day I noticed I was actually getting pretty good at it. Well, actually, it was more my daughters could no longer tell if what I wore was store bought or homemade. Once these lines blurred, I knew I had made it. Confirmation on this followed my daughter’s first request for my services.

So over the course of this summer, I’ve been playing with a top design for myself. It’s my very own design and after each attempt a dramatic improvement has occurred. I’ve been tweaking and ripping and tearing and sewing and testing for the past couple of months until finally, now, I’ve created a top that flatters and camouflages all of my current imperfections, and for the time being offers me a certain amount of self-confidence that I’ve been lacking. If I could find my digital camera, and if I knew how to use it, I’d definitely upload some photos. I definitely will get some online very shortly.

peace, love and happiness…

 

INCEPTION

OK…Need to count to ten before I continue. Should know better and yet…Just lost the entry I’d been working on for the past half an hour cause one of my husband’s computers is retarded. Actually its not so much the computer, as it is the bloody, stupid mouse he uses. GRRRR…He can’t use a normal mouse like the rest of the planet, no, he has to use one of those stupid and challenging ones with a scroll ball attached. And, yes, of course, its the mouse’s problem and not the operator! Duh.

OK. What I had been attempting to write about prior to my being rudely interrupted and sabotaged had been the announcement of us having actually gone to the cinema today to see a movie, something we’ve not done for a number of years now. My Mom, Jim and I decided to take a couple hours break from trying to shop in yesterday’s oppressive humidity by taking a bit of an air conditioned cinema break. We decided on seeing INCEPTION. It did not fail to entertain. It was everything that the critics have been going on about these past couple of weeks – almost. Just a small, a minor one really, complaint regarding the unneccesary length of the two main action sequences of the film. That’s all I’m going to say about that cause anyone intend on seeing the film while its in the theaters really should try to go as spoiler free as possible, and to say much more now would just be cruel and unfair.

One thing I can mention about the film, or more specifically the particular copy that the cinema got, is that about two thirds of the way through it…KABOOM…screen goes completely black while dialog continues on for an additional three or four minutes until nothing. Apparently there were some technical difficulties involved. We actually didn’t mind this little bit of an interruption as we took this opportunity to slip out for a quick smoke and bathroom break. Plus, for our troubles, we all received coupons to see our next movie free of charge. Sweet.

All in all, I ended up having a most surprising and pleasant day. Absolutely love these unexpected moments, and have now learned to truly treasure and enjoy each and every one that comes along.

peace, love and happiness…

On the Second Day of Christmas.

Well grabbed some gift wrap and gift bags this evening so that I can get the rest of the presents wrapped up and put under the tree where they belong. The store that I was shopping at had all of their Christmas lights on sale at 50% off so I grabbed two more packages of 50 mini indoor lights in royal blue so that I could add them to the all clear mini lights that I’ve currently got on our Christmas tree. Now the tree looks utterly fantastic! Am just about to start finishing off the wrapping, etc before I go to bed so that when I get up in the morning, I can truly enjoy the holiday season as I’ll literally have nothing more to rush around finishing off, so stress free. I’m literally still in a bit of shock regarding the fact that I am actually organized for the first time in my life as the holidays start. It sure doesn’t feel right I must admit. I’m still not convinced that there isn’t some little thing that I’m overlooking.

I actually ended up buying a few more presents for each of the girls tonight as I had a bit of extra money left over. I decided to really treat them for once. I ended up picking up a few tank tops each for them while I was grocery shopping of all things. Normally I divide my grocery shopping either between A & P or Loblaws as they are both about a five minute walk from my apt – in opposite directions! Which one I go to is all dependent on which of the two has the better sale, although tonight my decision ended up being made due to logistics and the fact that Jim and I just happened to end up closer to the Loblaws when I decided I needed to grab a few things before going home.

This Loblaws has just recently been renovated majorly and part of this reno was the expansion of their clothing section, JOE Fresh. They ended up increasing the floorspace of the clothes by a good 400% easily. They also had some kick ass sales happening so of course, I couldn’t resist. The shirts that I managed to grab ranged in price from $1.94 to $5.94 so for less than $35.00 – tax included – I was able to buy each of them five new tops each! When Jim gets paid on Monday, I may just slip over there again to grab a half dozen more each if they are still on sale!

Happy holidays!

On the First Day of Christmas

OK, so here I sit, with a week still to go until Christmas and I find myself in a very unusual place. Not only is my Christmas tree back up and once again fully decorated, but there are now about a dozen presents all wrapped sitting beneath it. There would be another nine presents except that I ran out of gift bags, and need to run over to the mall to grab some more. Guess that I bought more presents than I realized! For a recovering addict, this is obviously a very good thing, as well as a very foreign spot. No complaints from this seat though! The fact that I’ve even been able to buy presents, never mind the fact that they are already sitting and waiting under the Christmas thing is a huge deal. For the first time in a very long time, I am entering the holidays literally stress free. No running from store to store as each one closes their doors Christmas Eve, as I struggle to throw together a semi decent holiday for my family.

Flip side of this is that I am doubly ashamed that I even allowed some of the past Christmas holidays to even occur the way that they did. Not ready quite yet to rehash stories of Christmas past, but maybe one day soon. Ready for another mind blower? I actually still have a few hundred dollars left in my savings account and some even in my chequing account. Jim and I know that we’re getting some money from both sets of our parents for Christmas, so we plan on treating ourselves to a brand new laptop. Both of us have wanted one for quite some time so we’re finally going to do it. This is going to be our Christmas present to each other. This is a new arena for us also, as traditionally two addicts tend not to buy each other Christmas presents, unless its more dope! The first year that we were in recovery we bought a new television set for the “house” while we bought a bunch of stuff – new area rug, new curtains, DVD player – for our home last year, our second year of recovery. Looks like this is our third. Congrats to us!!!

JINGLE BELLS…

Am taking a bit of a timeout because right now I need to catch my breath and count to ten about a half a dozen times! I am T-H-I-S C-L-O-S-E to throwing one of my daughter’s cats from the balcony, but as its the season to be jolly, I’m sitting at my computer instead. Its bad enough that I spent seven hours shopping today, but now I come home to our Christmas tree having been mangled by one of the cats!

I know, I know, I can still hear my husband lecturing me about the lunacy of attempting to properly decorate the Christmas tree with six cats living in the house. Even though the tree has been up near three weeks, so far all of the hanging ornaments have had to be removed as well as ensuring that there was nothing at all hanging from about three and a half feet and below, I honestly thought that otherwise, the tree would get through the holidays unscathed. How very wrong was I!!! I’ve also had to remove some of the presents from underneath the tree as one of the cats was trying to unwrap them.

The youngest – and smallest – of the cats has learned to somehow climb up to the top of the tree and shake the heck out of the branches. Obviously, once he is all finished, the branches are lying all willy nilly, and all over the place with huge, gaping holes everywhere! So right now, I am sitting here looking at a near stripped down tree. Looks as if I am going to start decorating it all over again from the start. As it was, the only things around the tree were a few hundred clear lights and bows that I had crafted out of Christmas ribbon – varying in width from 1″ to 3″, in either royal blue, silver or white or various combos of these three colours. I’ve managed to return the branches to where it now looks like a normal tree. At least the tree is artificial and its wires are flexible so that the branches can all be reshaped. This was the easy part, now for the hard part!!!

Christmas Is Coming and the Goose is Getting Fat!

 

or something like that…

It’s starting to look a lot more like winter outside now, as it has been snowing on and off for the past few days – I’m in southwestern Ontario, Canada for those that don’t know. I guess that this also means that it is starting to look a lot like Christmas, especially as there is now less than a month left to go! Yikes. I’ve bought a few presents, but not nearly as many as I’ll eventually need. I also bought a brand new artificial Christmas tree about a week and a half ago because I came across an amazing sale. I got a 7′ artificial one with over 1200 tips plus a metal base at XSCargo for only $19.99 – the store clerk said that theirs were the best prices in the city, and I see no reason to disagree with him as I’ve been checking prices for artificial trees this past year as we were overdue for a new one. To say I was thrilled to find such a deal would be the understatement of the year.

Sara didn’t want me to set it up yet, but this was almost two weeks ago, so I am now seriously considering putting the tree up this weekend. It will be the first of December in only a couple of days after all. I can’t really put it up though until I buy some new lights for it anyway. Somehow in our two moves in the past year, I’ve managed to misplace a whole boatload of our Christmas decorations. I think that I may have put some in the Building Manager’s storage room and as technically we’re not really the Building Managers anymore, I can’t really go and snoop around the building – at least not without feeling a bit on the guilty and uncomfortable side. I know that the Bargain Shop has sets of 50 clear indoor lights on sale currently for only $4.00 a set so I can easily grab a few sets without breaking the bank! Traditionally, I like to limit the number of different colours used when I decorate, and I plan on sticking to this. My colours of choice are royal blue and silver, and any of their variations, hence the clear lights. I think these colours used together end up looking very elegant and sophisticated, plus it is easy to add to my decorations each year if I stick to the same colours. I also need to buy some additional decorations because we are moving up in size from a 5′ tree to a 7′ one, so I’ve got that extra couple of feet to fill out on the new tree! Just have to be careful not to decorate too low down on the tree as the cats go mental trying to remove all of the shiny, pretty cat toys!

I reduced my methadone dose to 50ml a couple of weeks ago and am now finally starting to feel comfortable on this dose. This was by far, my most difficult reduction to date. The first ten days were utterly horrible and near unbearable, but I managed to stick it out and am glad that I did. I almost ended up returning to 55ml but in the end, didn’t have to. If I didn’t get to the clinic within twenty four hours of my previous dose, I would start to feel as if I were in major withdrawal. I had certainly begun to forget how awful opiate withdrawal could be, and am kind of glad that I was given a reminder as this will ensure I don’t allow myself to become cavalier about treatment, etc and end up convincing myself that it wouldn’t hurt much just to try one pill just one more time! Not that I had/have any intentions of doing this, but it doesn’t hurt to be extra, extra careful. Anyway, if I didn’t make it to the clinic within that 24 hour period, my body would start to rebel against me. My limbs would start aching so badly, I would start to grind my teeth as I got more and more agitated, my nose and eyes would start to run like mad, and my general disposition would change dramatically. Of course, within a half an hour to forty five minutes of dosing, everything would appear to return to normal.

Won’t be taking my MMT for granted anytime soon that’s for sure!

 

The Emperor’s New Clothes

Today was Jim’s first day of his six week physiotherapy rehab and I guess all went fairly well. He said that he was pretty tired once it was all finished but is pretty optimistic about the whole program, which  is great to hear. I ended up going with him today, sort of…I took the bus with him there and back, but that is where any similarities end. I had a laundry list of errands that I had planned to do while he was in physiotherapy, but the moment that I saw Value Village all my good intentions completely disappeared!

I had so forgotten how much I loved to browse through Value Village for hours on end as I hunted and searched for the ultimate fabulous find and bargain! Today I made out big time! I ended up getting six items which totaled $34.00 tax included. I got a white 100% cotton Tommy Hilfiger Jeans boat neck sweater as well as a red cotton/acrylic Tommy Hilfiger Jeans mock turtleneck. Both of them are in mint condition and barely look as if they have ever been worn. Sweet. I also got a Beechers Brook black angora round neck sweater and a short sleeved cotton/spandex blouse with a very tiny black and white check to go with it. Finally I grabbed a handful of Old Navy Perfect Fit short sleeved t shirts in red, salmon, yellow, khaki and brown, cause these are my absolute favourite t shirts as they fit me exactly the way I want a t shirt to fit – I’ve never actually bought one at Old Navy either, only at Value Village!

I find that at the best of times, shopping gives me a buzz, but I get an even bigger buzz when combined with killer deals! Now, this is one addiction I can easily rationalize and justify, not to mention get used to!

retail therapy and physio as world class events!

As Jim is now finally strong enough, yesterday he had his first physiotherapy appointment. We were only there for about an hour and a half as the initial appointment was just an assessment so that they could go on from here and develop his treatment plan. Starting on Monday, he has to attend this clinic for a minimum of six weeks, Monday to Friday from 1pm to 4pm. That sure is an insane amount of physiotherapy! Combined with the fact that this clinic is just shy of an hours bus ride one way, this means that he will be spending five hours each day minimum with physiotherapy. I know that he prefers that I accompany him to all of his appointments, and in fact, anytime that he leaves the house, but for this I won’t be able to all of the time. Certainly, I will end up going with him for the most part anyway, but I imagine that there will be days that this will be impossible, as I will have my own medical appointments.

Even though this clinic is literally on the other side of town, the fact that we only need to take one bus – no transfers, cause I hate whenever I have to change to another bus – makes this journey that much more attractive. Also, there are enough shops that I like going to out by the clinic that it shouldn’t be too hard for me to occupy the three hours. I guess that it could be way worse in so many other ways that this is a pretty small commitment when you stop to look at the big picture, so to speak!

Went shopping with my Mom and Sara today and our outing actually remained reasonably stress free considering the length of time we were out and about. As I’ve mentioned before, my Mom and I used to enjoy a pretty strained relationship, but this now seems very much, a part of our pasts. Even when we were in a constant battle, my Mom never failed to be overly generous where it concerned Sara, her grand daughter. I couldn’t even hazard a guess on how many items of clothing she has purchased for her these near two decades. Most likely in the hundreds, and today was certainly no exception. Sara was only able to manage to hold on to one of her winter coats from last year, information that I only recently discovered as well as infuriated me. She absolutely swears that she has no idea where the other two disappeared to, and by the time that we had reached this part of our conversation, I wasn’t even sure that I needed or wanted to know.

Two evenings before our scheduled outing, my Mom and I spent about an hour chatting on the phone. At this time, she mentioned to me that she had planned to buy Sara a new winter coat, and if the prices were reasonable then she was going to grab two for her. Now, no amount of protest from myself looked as if she could be made to change her mind so there seemed no point in continuing. Obviously, the more items that she gets for Sara means the less that I’ll need to get for her in the future. And its not as if she can’t afford to do this for Sara. My Dad made sure that my Mom would want for nothing once he had died, and from where I am sitting, he certainly seems to have been immensely successful in this regard. My Mom owns her condo and her condo fees are not only very reasonable but include the cost of all of her utilities. Other than these fees, the only other monthly bills that she has are for her telephone and cable.

One thing that I have managed to learn over the years is that there is no sense trying to go toe to toe with my Mom regarding what she will purchase during one of our many items, and today most certainly was on of those days! We really only managed to shop in one store today – Winners – as my Mom needed all of this time to buy a criminal amount of stuff for Sara, Jim and myself. Spending $679.00 at a “discount” outlet in less than three hours is quite the feat! I’m sure that if this were an Olympic event my Mom would be the reigning champ hands down!

She did get Sara her winter coat, plus two others! Sara made a few admiral attempts to dissuade her Granny from buying all three, but there was no way that anyone of us would have ever been able to do this successfully. Any time that we approached her, my Mom would head off in the opposite direction. When we did finally reconnect, it was to go off with one or her recently widowed neighbors to discuss their next scheduled restaurant outing. Now as I mentioned earlier, Sara got three brand spanking new winter coats to wear. They are all beautifully made with each one designed to be worn to a specific type of event or to an outdoor concert. I had a bit of a struggle within myself trying to avoid the inevitable argument that I knew was on the way as well as taking Sara aside to inform her that “resistance was futile”. Once that was out there, it was smooth sailing for the shopping.

My Mom also bought me a gorgeous down filled ski coat in black by Calvin Klein. Its one of those ones that are filled with down and are poufy to the touch. She also bought Jim a new coat. His is from Kenneth Cole and also black. He’ll look awesome in it that’s for sure!Mom also bought him a pair of dressier casual pants in a darker beige with a very small check/plaid. Not to feel left out, she found a beautiful coat by Calvin Klein for herself. It is a dark gray boucle with an empire waist. It looks utterly smashing. Sara’s first coat choice was a black three quarter length w/gray stripes by Dickies, then she found a full length all black one made out of a heavy cotton w/fur lined hood. The final coat she received is what I call a bomber coat made of black wool, also with a fur lined hood, coming to an end at her hips. Sara also scored the cutest 60s inspired minidress made of wool with purple and black stripes and, finally two new sexy bras. All in all, not too shabby indeed!