Victim Impact Statement

If anyone is interested, the following is my Victim Impact Statement which I read to the court the day that two of the three accused were sentenced. One of the attackers received 8 years while the other received 7 years. Very emotional day to say the least.

 

To completely articulate the impact that this attack and stabbing of Jim has had on us is really most overwhelming and near impossible. You would think that twenty one months would be more than enough time to complete this task, and in my head, I’ve easily written my victim impact statement at least a thousand times now, but when it finally came time to get serious about it, the task felt daunting at best. I wondered how I would be able to adequately convey the physical, emotional and financial traumas we were forced to suffer because of this event. The physical, emotional and financial impact that this attack ended up having on me has forced me to live a life I barely recognize anymore and become a person I don’t know.

In Sept of this year, Jim and I will have known each other thirty years – he was 14 and I was 16. For most of this time, he has been an integral part of my life. Both of our personalities just clicked and in no time, we had forged a strong friendship. Right away I knew he was someone that would always be an important part of my life. He made me laugh and cry and angry like no one had before or since. He was someone I knew I could always trust and depend on him no matter what. He made me feel safe and secure and gave me self-confidence and poise as a result of this. To me he was fearless.

The day of the attack called all of what I believed into question. Everything I thought I knew was ripped away. This fearlessness, boldness, audaciousness that made up a large part of Jim and myself was torn from us that day. We are, and continue to be, in therapy because of the attack. Since the attack, I have had feelings of total loss and disparity. I have not really slept a full night. I require medication to assist my sleeping. I now have panic attacks and flashbacks that causes me to freeze. I have a fear of people in general. I will cross the street, rather than to meet and face people. I now have fears of something terrible happening to another family member, and am fearful for my safety and the safety of my family.

The attack itself was frightening but them to have to wait for hours to hear how Jim was doing was doubly so. He was so severely injured that he required over six hours of emergency surgery. I didn’t get to see him until close to 1am the next day. He was unrecognizable hooked up to all of the hospital’s machines. His body was bloated and initially he was unable to breathe on his own. He looked like the Frankenstein monster with staples all over his upper body, face and head. It was just short of a miracle that he even managed to regain consciousness and then finally return home. His physical recovery has been slow to say the least, but I will let him speak to this.

It has been our psychological recovery that is taking its time and toll, as well as the financial difficulties that have resulted because of the attack. In many ways, this has been harder than the physical and emotional recovery especially as none of this financial duress was a result of our own making. For something we had zero control over as well as nearly having to sacrifice a life for, it has been unduly stressful. It certainly has been a very bitter irony that one of the more dramatic consequences of the attack has resulted in affecting our family’s bottom line. While it is fairly easy to give a dollar value to our loss of income over these past twenty-one months, it is slightly more difficult to calculate other monies lost as a direct result of this attack.

As the attack occurred while we were fulfilling one of our job duties, our immediate supervisor was able to submit the appropriate forms necessary for us to qualify to receive Workers Compensation. Its another issue entirely though that the company we work for delayed almost three months in actually doing this. As neither Jim nor I were able to immediately return to work, we both began to receive Workers Compensation benefits which equal approx two thirds of our normal salary. Now, as part of our compensation package with our employer, not only did we receive our own two bedroom apartment, we also had our telephone, cable and internet paid for by them. Once we started to receive WSIB, our employer no longer covered the cost of the above. It was now our responsibility. So suddenly, not only were we receiving about a third less pay than we were used to, but from this reduced amount, we now had to cover these additional expenses of over $1000/month. This added stress is just one more thing that we’ve been forced to deal with because of the attack.

It hasn’t been just Jim and myself that have suffered because of the attack. Both of our daughters were teenagers at the time of the attack and as much as we tried to shield them from its effects, this proved impossible. They ended up being greatly affected because of the emotional and financial stress weighing heavily on me. While Jim and I attempted to adjust to each new change as it presented itself, I found myself getting increasingly angrier and bitter with our circumstances, and these feelings were then that much more difficult to hide from the girls. I was overwhelmed with feelings of self doubt and started to feel that I was failing them as a parent. I started to fall into a depression especially as relationships with my daughters started to change.

I have also just recently discovered that I may face yet another obstacle as a direct result of this attack. Currently, I have no job to return to as it has just been phased out of the company that employs us both since the beginning of the new year. Once again, we are victims not of our own making. Certainly, this will no doubt present another fairly large financial challenge to us – now just one of many. I really had begun to believe that we would soon be able to start to put all of this behind us, to make it a thing of the past. Yet, this seems near impossible as we seem to be faced with additional obstacles far too frequently.

Certainly the therapy that I continue to receive for my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at Victoria Hospital has greatly benefited me, and is starting to alleviate a number of my symptoms. Jim has also started therapy with a different therapist and I believe that he too is finally starting to feel some benefits. Still, this offers only small comfort. Yes, we are all starting to heal, but in the end, this attack has fundamentally changed me as a person as well as the way that I now look at the world. I no longer recognize my reflection in the mirror and am not the person that I once was, or will ever be. This experience has so altered my life forever, as well as how I view life.

She’s Leaving Home

Today Sara moved out for the second time! She had moved out last November when she and her boyfriend of close to three years decided that they were ready to get an apartment together – Jim and I thought otherwise but knew to keep these opinions to ourselves! When she phoned us in mid February I could tell that she was struggling with something and suspected exactly what that something was! A mother always seems to know, n’est pas? When she was finally ready to unload on me, I made sure that the only thing I did was listen patiently and empathetically. I knew that it was very difficult for her to share with me the fact that she had made this hasty mistake of moving in too soon with her boyfriend, and knew that the absolute last thing that she needed to hear from me was “I told you so!” Mean and petty I can save for others, certainly not my daughter!

Once she realized that I wasn’t going to take over with the feared stereotypical MOTHER lectures of well intentioned advice, etc she was really able to relax with me and be completely honest and truthful about her current living situation. She even was able to ultimately ask for my advice, as well as seriously consider what I had to offer, not to mention follow! Felt like huge MOM victory to me let me tell you!!! In the end, her situation was really nothing more than a rather uncomfortable one. Soon after moving in with her boyfriend, she realized that she had made a big mistake and was afraid of making it even worse the longer she stayed living there. Unfortunatley, she wasn’t entirely sure how the best way to solve this would be. Her big obstacle in her mind was the fact that her boyfriend had done nothing wrong. The whole three years that they were dating he has been nothing but a complete gentleman.

I told her that she didn’t need an excuse like infidility or battery or something equally heinous to end a relationship. Sometimes, there is nothing more than the relationship had simply run its course, and what may have been there at the beginning, simply wasn’t there anymore. Over time relationships change, and this had ended up happening to theirs. They may still have had strong feelings for each other, but these feelings had obviously changed over the years. Instead of being passionate lovers they now seemed to be more like very close and dear friends. I told her that there was never going to be a good time to approach her boyfriend especially if he wasn’t ready yet to end their relationship – he wasn’t. Told her the sooner, the better, but to make sure that she allowed adequate time to talk to him about what she was about to do, and to make sure that she didn’t introduce this serious topic if they were in the middle of a  squabble as this wouldn’t be fair to either one of them in the end.

In the end, I think that she handled herself the very best that she could. She moved home with us for the past month while she got herself sorted out. Obviously, we told her that she was welcome for as long as she wanted or needed, no matter if that meant not leaving for months, or even years to come. She decided that the best thing for her right now though was to get her own apartment as soon as she was able to find a suitable, as well as affordable, one. She also decided that she didn’t want to have a roommate, but that she thought she would like to live on her own, or at least give it a try. I don’t blame her either as she had to share her bedroom for her last four years at home with us with her foster sister, and then when she did finally move out, had to share her first apartment with her boyfriend. I’m sure the thought of having her very own space is thrilling if nothing else. She can always get a roommate later on if she finds out that she doesn’t like living on her own.

For me, personally, I think that she will thrive beautifully on her own. She has blossomed into a wonderfully mature, level headed young woman whom I couldn’t be more proud. She has a fantastic job where she earns a better than decent salary, plus she also has the financial support of Jim and myself, as well as her Granny so money is not an area she has to worry too much about – except in ensuring she try to stick to a reasonable budget and not spend beyond her means. We have hopefully given her all of the tools she’ll need to get by in the world, plus she knows that we are always here for her no matter what, no questions asked.

So, I end this day on a bit of a melancholy note as once again, I’ve had to watch our daughter move out to start her life as an adult. She is no longer my baby! Of course, this melancholy is mixed with pride and happiness as I am also able to witness the beautiful young woman that my daughter has grown into.

A Very Empty Nest

Even though Katie hasn’t officially moved out, it has now been pretty close to two weeks since she has really stayed here, and Sara officially moved into her new apartment last Saturday, so for all intents and purposes, I guess that Jim and I are now officially empty nesters! How very weird this is. We knew that this would end up happening sooner than later, especially as Katie turns twenty in less than three months, and Sara less than four. Our babies were growing up, and itching to spread their wings.

Obviously, there are a whole range of emotions that I am currently experiencing. Most are good. I am sad that my girls are really and truly adults now, ready to begin lives of their own, but this is very much tempered with the fact that I also know that they are indeed, well and truly ready to begin this part of their own life’s journey. Both girls are exceptionally mature and responsible, with solid heads resting on their strong shoulders. I’ve got to trust that we’ve managed to equip themselves with the tools that the shall need to lead happy and productive lives. Mixed with this sadness and melancholy is a huge boatload of motherly love and pride and confidence!

Yes, our home has felt somewhat empty – not to mention extremely quiet – since their departure, but there is also a feeling of anticipation and excitement for what this chapter of Jim’s and my life will bring to us. Kind of liberating for the first time in almost twenty one years! Obviously, all of these positive feelings couldn’t be possible had we parted any other way but the way that we did. Their decisions to move out on their own came from a place of strength, and no other place. We parted in the absolute best way that one could imagine – no angry words or fights or any sort of bitterness imaginable.

It is due to this that I can look to the future with great optimism and hope. I know so many children that leave home for the wrong reasons, and I consider us extremely lucky and fortunate that this was something that I knew was unlikely to occur in our home. I love both girls so very much, and no matter what the outcome, they know that they can sleep securely each night knowing that the welcome mat will always be there should they decide to return home, no matter what their reasons.

Getting everybody organized has been the main reason keeping me away from my computer this past month and a half, plus dealing with the preliminary trial of our attackers. This, unfortunately, has not gone near as smoothly as the other, and in fact, the prelim trial has yet to conclude, and has now been held over until the last week of January, next year. Much more on this matter very soon.

Just wanted to stop by quickly to let anyone who still actually bothers following me to know that I am still healthy and happy and right on course with my recovery, and then some…

peace, love and happiness…

Suicide is Painless II

Well, we really don’t have much more info today than we had last night. The standoff with the police did eventually end peacefully approximately two and a half hours after it had started. No one was hurt, although allegedly Charley was holding his ex-girlfriend against her will with him in the garage. This is the same female that he beat beyond recognition last year, and who he was not to associate with by any form of communication imaginable as part of his sentence. Now, to be fair, it is never him who violates this order. Each and every time, it is her, and each and every time she does this, it comes to no good. Yes, she was very much the unfortunate and undeserving victim of last years assault, but otherwise she has been nothing but poison. He has changed almost beyond recognition from when we first met him six years ago, and these changes have all happened within the past two years.

To be fair, he has always struggled with mental issues. Since Sara was sixteen, over three years ago now, she has tried relentlessly to get this young man some form of medical help but so far, to no avail. His mother is in complete denial regarding his mental state of mind, even at times such as this. At one point Sara even became a patient of Charley’s family doctor in order to talk to him about her concerns. He is beyond desperate and is badly in need of professional health.

Right now, I’m kind of pressed for time so have to be brief, but I’d be remiss if I failed to mention how absolutely amazing the police were in regards to my girls last night. I had to call 911 with the correct address, and was fortunate to get the same dispatcher as Katie. While on the phone I asked if the police would be able to call us back once they had arrived at the scene and everything had been sorted out – at this point there was no hostage taking, et al! She said that normally they don’t do this but she would ask.

The girls continued to call his house. At one point the phone was answered, and he identified himself as one of the officers on the scene. He engaged in conversation with Katie and she was able to supply him with a bit of Charley’s mental history and possible current state of mind, etc. When all was said and done this particular officer ended up calling the girls back twice, and both times their conversations were fairly lengthy. He deserves to be commended as he was able to calm the girls down considerably, plus assure them that now there was a very good chance that Charley would end up receiving long needed medical attention. Patience he had in spades to be sure.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Suicide Is Painless

I was actually planning on talking about something entirely different than what I am about to talk about but even the best laid plans, etc, etc. Earlier this evening my foster daughter, Katie, and I were sitting in the living room having a bit of a chit chat. I was sitting on one of the couches while she was at the computer half heartedly surfing the net. We were’nt really talking about anything particularly heavy, just swapping humorous antidotes to pass the time. As Katie is a fairly social and popular girl, the phone pretty much rang endlessly while we talked. She’s got call display so she pretty much ignored most of the calls. I had been dying for a washroom break for a bit so finally I made the move to head towards one of our bathrooms. One of the calls she had been ignoring was from one of the girls oldest male friends.

We’re going to call him Charley. He’s now 21, but I’ve known him since he was 15 and the girls were 13. He’s always been a very sensitive and somewhat troubled young man. I never really knew how much until the past couple of years. Both my girls have been very protective of him often to there own detriment at times. By what Sara has told me as well as my own conversations with him, I suspect that he may very well be schizophrenic, and if not, then certainly mentally disturbed. He hears voices and often has black outs where he remembers nothing. Often these blackouts can cover many, many hours. He’s also done some scary and violent things while blacked out or after voices have finished talking to him. While he was still a minor my daughter begged and pleaded with his parents to get him help of any kind. So far, they’ve done nothing although I would like to think that after what is actually still occurring this evening, that they do something now.

Once I discovered the entire truth about Charley and everything that was going on around him, I was forced to limit my daughters interaction with him. It was for their own safety. Any time that they’ve been allowed to socialize with him, they’ve had to do it under our roof. Yes, I am all too aware that they now are both adults and most likely going to interact with him whether or not they’ve got my permission or not. Thank goodness though, they are both pretty mature and level headed and recognize that right now he is not a positive factor in their lives. He has just recently finished serving five weekends in jail because of what he did last year to his ex-girlfriend. During one of his blackouts, he beat her to within an inch of her life at the busiest and major downtown intersection at 10pm on a Friday evening. Finding witnesses to this beating apparently was not an issue.

Not going into the immediate fallout from this attack, but there was a lot and it still appears to be happening a year and a half later. When Katie finally did answer his call this evening, he said that he was calling to apologize for what he was about to do. He said that he couldn’t deal with the police anymore, nor could he return to jail. He couldn’t go on anymore and was ending it now. She obviously started going hysterical. I didn’t even get into the bathroom before I was back in the living room to find out what had gotten her so upset so quickly. Pretty much able to piece together what was going on from her end. He hung up as he needed to call two more people. She was convinced he was serious so we instructed her to call the police, etc. Finally after calling 911, she got him back on the phone. He was barely coherent by this point and understandably abusive on finding out what she had done – one of the others he called did exactly the same thing. I’ve never been so glad that when they were younger I had demanded the address and phone number as well as being allowed to talk to the parent’s whenever they went to a friend’s house for the first time. It made it easier providing accurate info to Emergency Services.

For about an hour and a half after she made the call she heard nothing. This was particularly distressing as during the course of their second call she had overheard him gasping for air, possibly vomiting and finally drifting away until she got no response from his end. Eventually, she reached someone at his house – one of the officers called to his residence. Currently Charley has managed to barricade himself in the garage with some sort of weapon, and most of his very residential street has been evacuated while SWAT or this city’s equivalent deals with the situation. The officer was exceptionally gentle with my daughter. They actually asked me if they could go over just in case they could help. I said absolutely, as soon as the police spoke to me with their permission. Hello? OK, I get it. They were pretty much told that they would be turned away because they couldn’t guarantee their safety, etc. The officer assured Katie that he would be looked after, and as long as the situation doesn’t escalate into anything macabre or violent, he would be taken to the hospital and placed under 72 hour observation by order of the police.

TO BE CONTINUED…

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

Today was my third appointment with the lovely folks on the Eighth Floor of the old Victoria Hospital here in town. Pretty much the only floor left at the hospital that is still in use, other than the seventh which is used in conjunction with the eighth to warehouse their psych patients. Today was my appointment with one of their Psychologists. I’ve already been seen by a Psychiatrist and Occupational Therapist there as part of my assessment/treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder resulting from the attack back in May.  Their next step now will be for the three of them to sit down together to discuss what I talked about at each of their sessions and for them to put together some sort of attack plan to put all of me back together again! Today’s session lasted just over three hours, the longest of the sessions so far. So far I’ve been most impressed with my “team” and have ended up feeling surprisingly comfortable and at ease talking to them. Color me shocked!

Jim will eventually also have to start some sort of this therapy but I think that his doctors want him to have some more physiotherapy to aid his physical wounds before they introduce anything new to his mix. His next physiotherapy appointment is not until Thursday afternoon so we’ve got a days rest between the two. Well, sort of cause tomorrow is “doctor” day at the clinic so not so much of a break! The only downside to his physiotherapy  appointments is that they are literally on the other side of town. Even though we only have to take one bus, we end up being on the bus for an hour and twenty minutes! The upside is his therapy is located beside a mall that I practically never, ever go to because of how far away it is from us. I take advantage of the time that he is with his Physiotherapist to do some shopping! Just a win, win situation all around.

Speaking of hospitals, this certainly has been the week for them in my family. My foster daughter, Katie, just got home from the emergency after getting treatment for her earlobe. She put a stretcher in her right lobe that ended up being too big or put too much stress or something that she got an infection as well as splitting her lobe. I had no idea in advance that she was even going to do something like this so by the time she showed me, it was already infected. She is over eighteen and allegedly an adult after all. Apparently once the infection has healed, they will be able to recommend a plastic surgeon to repair the lobe. Ouch!!!

Yesterday, my daughter, Sara, got a phone call from her boyfriend, Andre, around lunchtime to let her know that he was at the emergency because he got his thumb caught in one of the machines at his work and that he was about to go into surgery so that his thumb could be saved and repaired. He is over here right now and all is well with him and his thumb apparently. Thank goodness. Already too much excitement and its only Tuesday evening. The week isn’t even half over yet! Fingers crossed that it will only be uphill from here!!!