private bemjamin???

I very rarely mention my two daughters on this public journal anymore, at least not since they technically became “adults”. I feel that its really not my place to determine what portion of their lives should be made available for public consumption. The moment that they decided they were ready to take on the big bad world they became independent from us. Now as long as they were minors living under our roof, following our rules, their proverbial arses were ours and were fair game. Now that they are both in their twenties, I do try to respect their privacy – for the most part! Like everything else in life though, there are exceptions to every rule. This would be one of those times.

Plus, anytime a parent is bursting with pride, they get to tell everyone and anyone who will listen the reasons. After completing high school, Sara decided that she didn’t want to go directly to any post-secondary institution. She felt that a break away from studying would be the best course of action for her. Obviously, both Jim and I had very mixed reactions to this announcement, but what could we really do to change her very set and stubborn mind? By far, I was the most supportive of her decision. In fact, I think it would be pretty safe to say that Jim and I were in fact, diametrically opposed to it.

Personally, I could empathize with her desire for a break and a change in routine. I went directly from high school to an unbreakable and continuous period of  7 years university and college combined. During this time, I did manage to complete my Honours Bachelors of Art in History at University as well as my  Business Management Diploma with a Marketing Certificate at College. By the time I was through all of this, I was exhausted. I did make one futile attempt to take a break for one semester, but that never did work out.

Between my second and third year at Uni, my best friend and I decided to spend that summer exploring the British Isles. We had an amazing time and as the summer started to fade making ready for the fall, I decided that I wasn’t ready to return to Canada so I made arrangements to stay an additional few months. My intention was to leave at the very earliest just before the Christmas holidays. I’d found a bar job in London, and one of my cousins got me a bed-sit. All of my Mom’s family lived in London, while all of my Dad’s lived in Dublin, Ireland so even though I was a few thousand miles from home, family was never too far if I needed anything.

Just before the fall semester was to start in Canada, I got word that my Dad had a massive coronary and was in very poor health. He was due for open surgery by the end of that September. With this bit of news, all my plans instantly disappeared, but then, they no longer seemed quite as important. I figured the British Isles would end up being around a long time after my Dad had gone, so I decided to return to Canada with the intention of going back overseas once he had left us. Even though he’d been given less than five years to live, they hadn’t factored in what a stubborn Mic he could be at times. didn’t he go on to live an additional eighteen years once he’d had the open heart surgery?

Anyway, I seem to have gotten off topic…Now Jim dropped out of high school before his sixteenth birthday, and while he didn’t immediately regret this decision, by the time he was in his early to mid-twenties, he knew that it certainly hadn’t been one of the better decisions he’d made in the past.  While he did eventually go back to complete his high school education, he had to do this while working full time and a family at home. This didn’t seem to matter to Sara as nothing he said could make her change her mind. So, off she went to join the workforce.

Luckily she had been forced to attend a bilingual public and secondary school so she was fluent in both English and French which gave her a bit of an edge over others. she managed to get a nice enough office job with a starting wage of almost$14 an hour. Unfortunately at the end of May of this year, she fell victim to company layoffs and found herself suddenly without a job. To make matters even worse, her former employer was beyond negligent in issuing her Separation Papers, an absolute crucial document required to receive any amount of Employment Insurance – used to be called plain old Unemployment Insurance. Whatever. She ended up having to wait nearly three full months before she managed to get this paperwork released. While one will not receive any monies until this document arrives and is entered into the recipients file, the lack of the document doesn’t prevent someone from at least getting their claim started.

Now in the interim, she still needed money to get by so who do you suppose got this honour? Yup, me and Jim. By the time these three months finally came to their end, her father and I had forked over a grand total of just over $4000 – three months rent at $525/month, her personal hydro payments, telephone bill, groceries, some summer clothing as well as a few slightly more formal articles of clothing appropriate for future job interviews, an air conditioner for her frightfully boiling hot apt, and a boatload of cash for misc crap.

By the end of all this, this education vacation, I mean break, was not looking quite as attractive as it previously had. Of course, the moment we started handing over a substantial amount of money to her on a regular basis, Jim felt that this now gave him the right to start pressuring her to return to school – these kind of favours never seem to be given without some sort of strings being attached. Like Jim said to me “what goes around,  comes around…” obviously referring to all of the crap we’d been forced to endure every time we got money from his parents. Ironic, isn’t it?

Again though, Sara would not waver. She felt confident that she’d be able to get another decent job and had no intention of returning to school just yet. While I admired her tenacity, and was so very grateful and happy with the decorous way she handled herself through all of this, I’ve never really been able to understand her aversion to being a student. If I could have gotten paid, I’d still be a student. I truly loved school, loved to learn, loved being intellectually stimulated, couldn’t ever get enough. I also know that I was fairly unique and pretty much alone when it came to this, but that never seemed to matter. Discovering computers and the internet just over a decade ago turned into being a near religious experience for me personally. I still think the internet is one big encyclopedia dying to be read. Some of my bookmarks are downright embarrassing and definitely nerdy.

And once again, it would seem that my daughter had made the right decision regarding her future after all. She obviously knows what she likes and doesn’t like, and isn’t prepared to settle or compromise in achieving these. Good on her. Recently, one of her friends mentioned that there were going to be five civilian internships with the army available. She researched the specifics, and once satisfied that this could be something she’d, enjoy submitted cover  letters and her resume. She’d been advised to apply for all five of these positions even though each one was different.

First she had to attend an orientation session to become familiar with what this position would entail and to determine whether or not the applicant wanted to continue with their application. She came home excited beyond belief eager to continue. Her initial interviews went so well, that even before she got home from the first one, there was a call made to her praising her interview. She was advised by the Interviewer that, while she could not officially offer her one of the positions at this time, she could say with absolute confidence that Sara would definitely be receiving an offer of employment for one of the five. she said that of all the people she had interviewed, Sara stood head and shoulders above the rest. She said she couldn’t remember an interview with an applicant ever going as well as theirs did.

After I got over the shock that it was indeed my daughter they were talking about, I was over the moon. What Mother wouldn’t be proud to hear all of this about their child? She starts her new position on October 22, 2010. She still does not know exactly which of the five will be hers, but she has been told it will be one of two. She will either be an Admin Assistant to one of the senior officers stationed at Wolsey Barracks here in London, Ontario or she will be working in one of the Army’s labs as a Technician. She says she is glad that the final choice is not hers as she wouldn’t be able to choose between the two as she’d like either one of them equally. Starting pay is just over $30 000/annually and  after her three month probation ends, she will receive benefits as well as be eligible for funding should she decide to pursue a post secondary education while employed with them. How’s that for a wee bit of irony?

Obviously, I’m now more than pretty confident that she’ll be able to navigate and manage her way through life on her own fairly successfully. Looks like her head is screwed on right – certainly better than mine has been during specific periods of my adult life… hangs head in shame for a moment…Can’t imagine anyone who has recently graduated from Uni with just a general  3yr or honours 4yr degree getting much more than what she shall receive for a starting salary either – unless graduating from one of the Uni’s professional schools but that’s an entirely different universe.

So, a toast to my beloved daughter. I hope you know how truly proud and supportive I am of you. I’ve got faith that you can accomplish anything that you set your mind and heart towards with great ease.  Good luck…

peace, love and happiness..

Changes

I can hardly believe that we are now more than halfway through the month of April and that I’ve literally only gone near my computer, never mind surfing the net, about three or four times!!! Busy, yes, I guess I must be. I know that so far this year, there have already been a significant number of changes in my life. Where to even begin…

Very, very briefy, and in point form right now – plan on elaborating on each and every point over the next few weeks. PROMISE!!!

  • daughter moved out of our home into her first apartment with her boyfriend of close to three years, then moved back home after this relationship broke up, and then moved out again all on her own to her very own apartment
  • two of the three accused that had attacked my husband and I,  plus stabbed my husband multiple times, decided to plead guilty right before we were about to proceed to trial so we had to attend both of their Sentence Hearings where I had to read my Victim Impact Statement
  • accused number three has decided that he wants his day in court and has elected for a trial by judge and jury although so far no date has been set so this whole ordeal is still so not over yet
  • spent a good, long month actually working on my Victim Impact Statement for real as opposed to continually composing it in my head
  • my baby brother, and his wife, who just had their fourth child a week and a half before Christmas decided that there was no real employment future for him anymore in Ontario so he accepted a job in Halifax, NS, and within a three week period had flown out for a job interview, accepted their fairly lucrative offer, found room and board for himself in a pretty decent house at an equally reasonable rent, moved his arse and whatever stuff he needed out there to start work, while having to leave his family behind to get their house sold and packed up, allow the kids to finish out their school year at the only school they’ve ever attended – their ages are 11, 9 and 7 currently – and generally just adjust to  a very foreign situation for them as a family
  • decided on my own that I simply did not want to attend anymore PTSD therapy as I felt that I realistically was as well and recovered as I could possibly be, so had the hospital discharge me stamped READY TO RETURN TO WORK – boy, could I have been any farther removed from the reality of my situation???

Now, these are all of the major changes I’ve encountered so far in 2010. There are all sorts of minor and by far, less significant stuff I’ve also dealt with but compared to this heavier stuff, barely warrants a mention right now. Later, maybe. And, just in case, anyone is even still out there keeping track, I’ve muddled through all of this with nary a stumble. I am still on Methadone Maintenance TreatmentMMT – with a current dose of 40ml/day. At one point, I had actually gotten my dose down to 30ml/day but found that once I had returned to work, this dose was simply incapable of sustaining me for even a 24 hour period so I was forced to increase my dose – for now, anyway, or at least until my body has gotten used to its increased physical activity level which has obviously changed pretty dramatically  since I’ve been back to work. Even though it seems to be rapidly flying by me so far this year, all in all ,though, life seems to be pretty sweet right now whicg suits me just fine!

She’s Leaving Home

Today Sara moved out for the second time! She had moved out last November when she and her boyfriend of close to three years decided that they were ready to get an apartment together – Jim and I thought otherwise but knew to keep these opinions to ourselves! When she phoned us in mid February I could tell that she was struggling with something and suspected exactly what that something was! A mother always seems to know, n’est pas? When she was finally ready to unload on me, I made sure that the only thing I did was listen patiently and empathetically. I knew that it was very difficult for her to share with me the fact that she had made this hasty mistake of moving in too soon with her boyfriend, and knew that the absolute last thing that she needed to hear from me was “I told you so!” Mean and petty I can save for others, certainly not my daughter!

Once she realized that I wasn’t going to take over with the feared stereotypical MOTHER lectures of well intentioned advice, etc she was really able to relax with me and be completely honest and truthful about her current living situation. She even was able to ultimately ask for my advice, as well as seriously consider what I had to offer, not to mention follow! Felt like huge MOM victory to me let me tell you!!! In the end, her situation was really nothing more than a rather uncomfortable one. Soon after moving in with her boyfriend, she realized that she had made a big mistake and was afraid of making it even worse the longer she stayed living there. Unfortunatley, she wasn’t entirely sure how the best way to solve this would be. Her big obstacle in her mind was the fact that her boyfriend had done nothing wrong. The whole three years that they were dating he has been nothing but a complete gentleman.

I told her that she didn’t need an excuse like infidility or battery or something equally heinous to end a relationship. Sometimes, there is nothing more than the relationship had simply run its course, and what may have been there at the beginning, simply wasn’t there anymore. Over time relationships change, and this had ended up happening to theirs. They may still have had strong feelings for each other, but these feelings had obviously changed over the years. Instead of being passionate lovers they now seemed to be more like very close and dear friends. I told her that there was never going to be a good time to approach her boyfriend especially if he wasn’t ready yet to end their relationship – he wasn’t. Told her the sooner, the better, but to make sure that she allowed adequate time to talk to him about what she was about to do, and to make sure that she didn’t introduce this serious topic if they were in the middle of a  squabble as this wouldn’t be fair to either one of them in the end.

In the end, I think that she handled herself the very best that she could. She moved home with us for the past month while she got herself sorted out. Obviously, we told her that she was welcome for as long as she wanted or needed, no matter if that meant not leaving for months, or even years to come. She decided that the best thing for her right now though was to get her own apartment as soon as she was able to find a suitable, as well as affordable, one. She also decided that she didn’t want to have a roommate, but that she thought she would like to live on her own, or at least give it a try. I don’t blame her either as she had to share her bedroom for her last four years at home with us with her foster sister, and then when she did finally move out, had to share her first apartment with her boyfriend. I’m sure the thought of having her very own space is thrilling if nothing else. She can always get a roommate later on if she finds out that she doesn’t like living on her own.

For me, personally, I think that she will thrive beautifully on her own. She has blossomed into a wonderfully mature, level headed young woman whom I couldn’t be more proud. She has a fantastic job where she earns a better than decent salary, plus she also has the financial support of Jim and myself, as well as her Granny so money is not an area she has to worry too much about – except in ensuring she try to stick to a reasonable budget and not spend beyond her means. We have hopefully given her all of the tools she’ll need to get by in the world, plus she knows that we are always here for her no matter what, no questions asked.

So, I end this day on a bit of a melancholy note as once again, I’ve had to watch our daughter move out to start her life as an adult. She is no longer my baby! Of course, this melancholy is mixed with pride and happiness as I am also able to witness the beautiful young woman that my daughter has grown into.

Addict Kids

When the girls moved out they took each of their computers with them – of course they did, especially as the computers were actually theirs. Sara’s computer had always been set up in our living room because their bedroom was already overflowing with their stuff. It simply made no sense whatsoever to attempt to set up her own work station amongst this disaster of a bedroom. Even if we had tried, I’ve no doubt it would quickly have vanished from view, buried beneath all kinds discarded crap! Our living room, however, had space to spare. We set up pretty comfy station for them, with loads of room on the desk that we decided to use – it measured 60″ long by 24″ wide, and had a pull out shelf that ran  the length of the desk, although it divided into two separate pieces, plus a full bottom shelf to put the computer’s tower and whatever else you felt like. What this meant was that with only the one computer/monitor on the desk, there was still loads of empty space over which was nice as it was then easy to keep neat and tidy.

OK, fascinating I’m sure that you’re all thinking, but, really, SO WHAT? See, even though I have always had a perfectly decent computer that I didn’t even have to share with anybody at all, I practically never went near it. While there was nothing remotely wrong with it, I utterly loathed where it ended up being located in the apt. Jim set it up in our bedroom right next to his. Now, we didn’t have the same kinds of space limitations that the girls always seemed to face, but there were other things that prevented me from truly enjoying  using my computer when it was in our bedroom. Hmmm, when I pause to reflect on all of this, I suppose in hindsight, we probably should have invested in at the least, one laptop!

From the start, I much preferred using the computer in the living room. Unfortunately, the only time that I would end up using it was when neither one of the girls was at home. It certainly wouldn’t have been very reasonable of me to demand time on theirs when I had a perfectly good one sitting unused in my bedroom! Another reason that I tended not to use it was the moment I sat down at it, time no longer seemed to matter. Seemed to take no effort for five minutes to turn into five hours! Even if my bedroom door remained completely open the entire time, just being located there tended to promote a feeling of being isolated and as such, not being readily available to either one of them. This was not at all what was actually occurring, but, as a newly recovering addict I became hyper aware of ensuring that my behavior at any time did not suggest possible relapse. Of course, there were times when I had no choice. Certainly, the last time I got hit with the flu, the very last thing I wanted to do was leave my comfy bed for anything. Not to mention, I was the farthest away from feeling sociable at any level.

So, while either one of my girls were at home, I tended to drift between the kitchen, dining room and living room. If they didn’t feel like hanging around anywhere that I happened to be, then all that they had to was go off into their bedroom or leave the apartment. Now that they’re all grow’d up and living on their own, I don’t have to worry if I feel like staying in my room all day! I can do whatever I want! Sound kind of like I’m the one who no longer has to worry about following their parent’s house rules and not the other way around! Well, I’m certainly not going to lie when I confess that since its now only Jim and I, there is absolutely no doubt as to how liberated I’ve felt this past month!

I also had Jim liberate my computer from our bedroom, and had him set it up where Sara’s computer used to be. So, to make an already long story even longer…what I had been trying to do was let one and all know that because of our changed circumstances, I expect to be updating on a more regular not to mention more frequent basis.

———–

Now, its time to get to something just a tad more serious, as well as extremely important. There is something that I have been meaning to address for a very long time now, but haven’t gotten around to doing it. My very bad!!! Over the past year or so, I’ve been noticing that there has been a pretty dramatic increase in the number of blogs out there written by parents of addict children. Their collective cries for help, relief, support and recovery of their beloved is truly devastating. Even though I, personally, am  myself a recovering addict, I have no knowledge of being on the other side of addiction such as they all are. That’s not to say that I am incapable of empathizing with them, its simply that I’ve not had to view it in the same way that they do.  So, while I am not necessarily proud of this fact, I am certainly able to relate to the many stories they share of their children’s misadventures. I hope to never be in any one of their shoes either, and am pretty sure that it is by the grace of God that both of my girls have managed not to succumb to the many temptations that these illegal substances seem to offer. I hope with every fiber of my body that this never, ever changes also!

Their children are also oh so very, very young to have to go through some of the things that they do. This aspect of their addiction, though, is extremely difficult for me to relate to as I had actually never even tried drugs at their age. While I had done some experimentation while at university, I never really did it with any sort of regularity until I was about a year or so into my first real job after graduation. Once I found out I was pregnant, I stopped immediately and never resumed until Sara was about eight or nine. It then took five to six years after this for my previously recreational use to turn into full blown, hard core addiction. Shockingly, I was able to keep this from practically everyone. My own mother never knew I even had a problem until I had been in Methadone Maintenance Treatment – MMT – for over eighteen months. Jim’s parents found out even later – this tidbit ended up being revealed to them while he was still in the hospital after the stabbing! We never even had a call, a visit or anything to do with Children’s Aid either in regards to Sara’s upbringing. For all intents and purposes our addiction was invisible.

Now of course, most of the above needs to be taken with a grain of salt as they say! Addicts are consummate liars who also have a massive capacity to rationalize any sort of potentially unethical or illegal behavior, and I am sure that I was no better, even though through these years, I had pretty much convinced myself that this didn’t apply to me. This particular topic, though, is too complex to go into much more detail right now, but I will tackle this subject in the very near future.

But back to the parents…their ever increasing numbers gives one pause for concern as I suspect that the blogs that are currently out there are barely a tip of the iceberg. Where we see one, I’m guessing there are ten more. Tragic, indeed. Below are some of the ones that I follow regularly. As my links are not as current on this computer as they had been on Sara’s, I know that there are a few excellent ones that I have overlooked – I apologize in advance for this oversight. By no means is it at all intentional. If you have a similar type of blog that is not in this list, please feel free to let me know so that I can update my links section. I encourage anyone that has taken the time to read this entry to also make sure that they take the time to visit the blogs that are listed below.

  • An Addict in our Son’s Bedroom
  • Andrew’s Addiction
  • Blinded By Love For J
  • Heather’s Mom
  • Her Big Sad
  • Hurting Parents~Addicted Son
  • INTERVENE: A Community For Parents
  • Loving and Parenting an Addict
  • Mom of Opiate Addicted Son
  • Mom vs Heroin
  • mother of a drug addict
  • My Daughter’s Addiction
  • OXY and OPIATE ADDICTION-A Mother’s Story
  • Recovery Happens
  • Writing From The Inside Out
  • A Very Empty Nest

    Even though Katie hasn’t officially moved out, it has now been pretty close to two weeks since she has really stayed here, and Sara officially moved into her new apartment last Saturday, so for all intents and purposes, I guess that Jim and I are now officially empty nesters! How very weird this is. We knew that this would end up happening sooner than later, especially as Katie turns twenty in less than three months, and Sara less than four. Our babies were growing up, and itching to spread their wings.

    Obviously, there are a whole range of emotions that I am currently experiencing. Most are good. I am sad that my girls are really and truly adults now, ready to begin lives of their own, but this is very much tempered with the fact that I also know that they are indeed, well and truly ready to begin this part of their own life’s journey. Both girls are exceptionally mature and responsible, with solid heads resting on their strong shoulders. I’ve got to trust that we’ve managed to equip themselves with the tools that the shall need to lead happy and productive lives. Mixed with this sadness and melancholy is a huge boatload of motherly love and pride and confidence!

    Yes, our home has felt somewhat empty – not to mention extremely quiet – since their departure, but there is also a feeling of anticipation and excitement for what this chapter of Jim’s and my life will bring to us. Kind of liberating for the first time in almost twenty one years! Obviously, all of these positive feelings couldn’t be possible had we parted any other way but the way that we did. Their decisions to move out on their own came from a place of strength, and no other place. We parted in the absolute best way that one could imagine – no angry words or fights or any sort of bitterness imaginable.

    It is due to this that I can look to the future with great optimism and hope. I know so many children that leave home for the wrong reasons, and I consider us extremely lucky and fortunate that this was something that I knew was unlikely to occur in our home. I love both girls so very much, and no matter what the outcome, they know that they can sleep securely each night knowing that the welcome mat will always be there should they decide to return home, no matter what their reasons.

    Getting everybody organized has been the main reason keeping me away from my computer this past month and a half, plus dealing with the preliminary trial of our attackers. This, unfortunately, has not gone near as smoothly as the other, and in fact, the prelim trial has yet to conclude, and has now been held over until the last week of January, next year. Much more on this matter very soon.

    Just wanted to stop by quickly to let anyone who still actually bothers following me to know that I am still healthy and happy and right on course with my recovery, and then some…

    peace, love and happiness…