…And just like that, I’ve found another blog of a recovering addict…when it rains it pours…
From HEROIN To HEAVEN
peace, love and happiness…
Category Archives: BLOGS WORTH READING
Life of a Recovering Addict
I just found a wonderful blog written by a former addict who looks as if they’re well on their way to a successful recovery and wanted to post the link for anyone that might be interested in checking it out. There seems to be a scarcity of journals/blogs etc written from the perspective of the recovering addict as of late, while it seems that on a daily basis a new journal is started by yet another parent of an addicted child which is just so utterly tragic. Each one I come across seems to make my heart feel just a little bit heavier. It is so very sad. I know I’ll be thrilled the day that I find no more new additions to my ever growing list of links.
Life of a Recovering Addict
peace, love and happiness…
I am too young to die, but I am too young to quit
Found another site to add to my partners in crime list of links. If you have time, please check out I am too young to die, but I am too young to quit
Can You Accept the Truth? AND Living Life With an Addict
Just found two more blogs by parents suffering through the trials and tribulations of their child’s battle with addiction, and everything that accompanies this horrific disease. These numbers continue to grow at a rapid pace.
My newsest discoveries can be read at Can You Accept the Truth? and Living Life With an Addict.
peace, love and happiness
Here, I am survived thirty years plus on methadone AND Addiction/Recovery through an addict’s eyes
Found a couple more addiction survivors. Both have just recently started blogging but you can check out their future entries at Here, I am survived thirty years plus on methadone as well as Addiction/Recovery through an addict’s eyes.
peace, love and happiness…
JUNKY MOM
This entry is sort of a continuation of my response to Hashish Dreams and Heroin Nightmares entry Number One. She had been discussing mothers with young children who were still in the midst of active use and addiction. Even though she, herself, had once been a very heavy drug abuser, finding out she was going to have a child and then his subsequent birth had really been the impetus needed to straighten out her life. She found herself questioning how other women in similar situations were able to continue to use and abuse drugs. This particular issue is one I have very strong feelings about and the following is my response to what she had written:
I am also a recovering addict with just over four and a half years clean time under my belt so far..this time anyway…I am also a mother to two beautiful girls – no, women now – both of whom are in their twenties. Pretty simple math to see that I was indeed an active user at some point of their lives as they were growing up these past couple of decades. I make no apologies now, although I have and did many times over to reach my current space.
Personally, I managed to abstain from everything except alcohol for the first ten years as a mother. Shortly after Sara’s ninth birthday I ended up opening my own business which just happened to be a small live entertainment venue – a bar where the local punk bands had a place to get their first start et al…OK? Now, for the next two years a lot of my time was spent building my business and everything that this entails. Obviously I had to socialize more than I had previously and from this, everything else seemed to follow. I know I don’t need to paint a picture. This lead to my first go-round with methadone.
Spent five years completely opiate free until towards the end of 2003 when, after nine months of living my Dad’s battle with cancer and radiation and chemo and then his death finally, I made the arrogant mistake of believing I would be the exception to the rule of just being able to do it one more time…
To say this was an error in judgment would have to be the understatement of last century. And from there I am now here. Those couple of years of use during their early teen years I now regret very much. At the time, I was able to rationalize with the best of them cause I never, ever disappeared, I was always there when they went to school and again upon their return. I never ever missed an opportunity to volunteer at their schools and attended every single one of their school trips/outings even when they had started high school.
But, honestly, I was probably just there in body and not really in spirit, but this topic still causes me a lot of discomfort so…I understand though, your feelings on this subject from the perspective of a new Mom cause this was one realm I simply was unable to understand – while pregnant and especially during your baby’s formative years, you really can’t be both an addict and a mother. Make a choice. Choose one. Stick with it. Don’t be so bloody selfish that by your actions you end up creating one more victim of this disease that the world does not need, nor does this innocent deserve.
Please, understand me, I was not at all suggesting that you would happen to fall into this category either. I get we both are very much on the same page regarding this issue. If interested, I ranted about this very topic over a year and a half ago but in much greater detail.
NO LONGER WANT – OR NEED – THE CHAOS
NO LONGER WANT – OR NEED – THE CHAOS PART II
NO LONGER WANT – OR NEED – THE CHAOS PART III
Please, excuse my very long post. I apologize for carrying on as long as I did and I thank you in advance for allowing me to do this.
peace, love and happiness…
This particular issue has driven me to distraction for an eternity…I remember a couple of years ago while having a conversation with a friend she happened to ask me if I had ever hit in front of the girls. Boy, I have to admit that this question really took me aback as I’d been having a hard time even accepting the fact that they know that I was/am a user. As long as they were unaware, it was much easier for me to remain actively addicted with far less guilt and greater denial. Even though when Sara was much younger though I wouldn’t even use in the privacy of the bathroom if she was in the house. I’d sooner say that I was going out to get coffee and doughnuts and do it at the nearest Tim Horton’s than sully her safe place. Always felt that to use when she was anywhere around would ultimately be bad karma for her and me regardless of how well I happened to keep my use hidden.
I mean I was so protective of this form of lifestyle never intentionally crossing her path at any age that except for one brief bit of time which didn’t end up working out anyway, no dealer has even ever set foot in my house nor any other obvious user. We always took our business far away from our home and as she got older and more aware, unless I could hook up with someone prior to her getting home from school then I would also never leave the house once she was home for the day to hook us up. My regular dealers got used to my peculiar rules after awhile and did attempt to be as accommodating as possible once they realized that this would be to their benefit considering the amount of money that Jim and I would be spending and spending consistently and on a regular basis.
The only time that I would break my rule of not using while she was in the house would be late into the night while she was fast asleep and then of course, I would lock myself safely in the bathroom but I still always felt a certain amount of discomfort. I know that the question to me wasn’t meant to hurt or insult as I myself have encountered my share of junky moms who drag their kids to their dealers house with no regard to their mental health or even physical safety. Discreet these ladies are not. And yes I know that many of them will also use in front of them while they are infants and even preschoolers. This makes me cringe like nothing else either.
To be honest, most of my past dealers weren’t even aware that I had a child and the majority of the users that I would encounter at my dealers certainly were in the dark about this part of my life. If this subject did happen to come up, generally the first question that someone would end up asking me was whether or not I got to see my kid on a regular basis. WTF? Well of course I do as she has never been away from me for so much as an evening. The majority were always stunned that after all these years I still had custody as most of them had long since lost custody of theirs due to their negligent behaviour. Colour me shocked.
This part of my addicted past has always caused me the most trouble emotionally and mentally. The one thing that I learned early into my opiate addiction was the relative ease at which a junky is able to rationalize away any type of their behaviour. This is one stereotypical characteristic that I was not immune to although prior to my addiction nothing could have caused me to act in manner that would be considered morally or ethically grey. Opiate addiction seems to strip this away from the most upstanding citizen rather quickly. I was no exception. It is shocking how easily I was able to slide into a previously unfamiliar area with no thought to any possible consequences.
In my entire life, I had never once opened my mother’s purse unless she had expressly asked me to but the moment that my use moved away from recreational, searching to see if she had any spare money gave me no qualms of guilt whatsoever. I remember walking by an unlocked truck one day which just happened to have a purse sitting in view of me and without missing so much as a beat, I had that door opened and the purse in my hand and me down that street out of view in record time. Where this even came from to this day I don’t even know but I can vividly remember how excited I was when I discovered that there was close to $400 in it. I am sure that I was at my dealer’s front door less than fifteen minutes later.
It is only now that I am back on methadone that I am moving out of this ethically challenged underworld.
When Sara was blissfully unaware of what we did for our recreation pleasure, I was able to use with absolute abandon. I suffered no or very little guilty feelings due to my use because I was able to rationalize it away with the fact that she was looked after first and foremost before any dope was even purchased. My child would never, ever suffer because of our addictions or weaknesses. In this regard, I may have actually done more harm than good but only time will really tell. To compensate for my weakness, Sara was never without anything that her heart desired. If all of the kids had the hottest pair of bluejeans then I made sure that Sara had half a dozen of them.
My intent was to ensure that she would in no way suffer because of us. I remember when she was in Grade 8 talking to some of the part timers here at work, some of whom were still in high school themselves, and asking them if I was being fair with her giving her an allowance of only $50 a week. Each and everyone of them was stunned silent and once they had found their collective voices they wanted me to adopt them. They thought that I was insane giving a thirteen year old that kind of pocket money considering that she didn’t have to even buy any of her own things out of it either. Plus they also knew that if “extra” events popped up that I would pony up money above and beyond what she already got. Talk about overcompensation. I know that I am still very much guilty of this habit to this day but this one is actually a real tough one to break.
I made sure that I never behaved in the same manner than some of the other junky moms. None of my kid’s toys would ever find themselves in some pawn shop – in fact, none of our household items – nor would she have to be content with thrift store clothing or never having money for even the cheapest school outing or having to wear some cheap hand me down graduation dress. No, nothing like this would or does occur.
I’ll stop this entry here as its quite long, and I’d honestly be rather shocked if anyone has even managed to get this far!!! Cheers.
Addict Kids
When the girls moved out they took each of their computers with them – of course they did, especially as the computers were actually theirs. Sara’s computer had always been set up in our living room because their bedroom was already overflowing with their stuff. It simply made no sense whatsoever to attempt to set up her own work station amongst this disaster of a bedroom. Even if we had tried, I’ve no doubt it would quickly have vanished from view, buried beneath all kinds discarded crap! Our living room, however, had space to spare. We set up pretty comfy station for them, with loads of room on the desk that we decided to use – it measured 60″ long by 24″ wide, and had a pull out shelf that ran the length of the desk, although it divided into two separate pieces, plus a full bottom shelf to put the computer’s tower and whatever else you felt like. What this meant was that with only the one computer/monitor on the desk, there was still loads of empty space over which was nice as it was then easy to keep neat and tidy.
OK, fascinating I’m sure that you’re all thinking, but, really, SO WHAT? See, even though I have always had a perfectly decent computer that I didn’t even have to share with anybody at all, I practically never went near it. While there was nothing remotely wrong with it, I utterly loathed where it ended up being located in the apt. Jim set it up in our bedroom right next to his. Now, we didn’t have the same kinds of space limitations that the girls always seemed to face, but there were other things that prevented me from truly enjoying using my computer when it was in our bedroom. Hmmm, when I pause to reflect on all of this, I suppose in hindsight, we probably should have invested in at the least, one laptop!
From the start, I much preferred using the computer in the living room. Unfortunately, the only time that I would end up using it was when neither one of the girls was at home. It certainly wouldn’t have been very reasonable of me to demand time on theirs when I had a perfectly good one sitting unused in my bedroom! Another reason that I tended not to use it was the moment I sat down at it, time no longer seemed to matter. Seemed to take no effort for five minutes to turn into five hours! Even if my bedroom door remained completely open the entire time, just being located there tended to promote a feeling of being isolated and as such, not being readily available to either one of them. This was not at all what was actually occurring, but, as a newly recovering addict I became hyper aware of ensuring that my behavior at any time did not suggest possible relapse. Of course, there were times when I had no choice. Certainly, the last time I got hit with the flu, the very last thing I wanted to do was leave my comfy bed for anything. Not to mention, I was the farthest away from feeling sociable at any level.
So, while either one of my girls were at home, I tended to drift between the kitchen, dining room and living room. If they didn’t feel like hanging around anywhere that I happened to be, then all that they had to was go off into their bedroom or leave the apartment. Now that they’re all grow’d up and living on their own, I don’t have to worry if I feel like staying in my room all day! I can do whatever I want! Sound kind of like I’m the one who no longer has to worry about following their parent’s house rules and not the other way around! Well, I’m certainly not going to lie when I confess that since its now only Jim and I, there is absolutely no doubt as to how liberated I’ve felt this past month!
I also had Jim liberate my computer from our bedroom, and had him set it up where Sara’s computer used to be. So, to make an already long story even longer…what I had been trying to do was let one and all know that because of our changed circumstances, I expect to be updating on a more regular not to mention more frequent basis.
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Now, its time to get to something just a tad more serious, as well as extremely important. There is something that I have been meaning to address for a very long time now, but haven’t gotten around to doing it. My very bad!!! Over the past year or so, I’ve been noticing that there has been a pretty dramatic increase in the number of blogs out there written by parents of addict children. Their collective cries for help, relief, support and recovery of their beloved is truly devastating. Even though I, personally, am myself a recovering addict, I have no knowledge of being on the other side of addiction such as they all are. That’s not to say that I am incapable of empathizing with them, its simply that I’ve not had to view it in the same way that they do. So, while I am not necessarily proud of this fact, I am certainly able to relate to the many stories they share of their children’s misadventures. I hope to never be in any one of their shoes either, and am pretty sure that it is by the grace of God that both of my girls have managed not to succumb to the many temptations that these illegal substances seem to offer. I hope with every fiber of my body that this never, ever changes also!
Their children are also oh so very, very young to have to go through some of the things that they do. This aspect of their addiction, though, is extremely difficult for me to relate to as I had actually never even tried drugs at their age. While I had done some experimentation while at university, I never really did it with any sort of regularity until I was about a year or so into my first real job after graduation. Once I found out I was pregnant, I stopped immediately and never resumed until Sara was about eight or nine. It then took five to six years after this for my previously recreational use to turn into full blown, hard core addiction. Shockingly, I was able to keep this from practically everyone. My own mother never knew I even had a problem until I had been in Methadone Maintenance Treatment – MMT – for over eighteen months. Jim’s parents found out even later – this tidbit ended up being revealed to them while he was still in the hospital after the stabbing! We never even had a call, a visit or anything to do with Children’s Aid either in regards to Sara’s upbringing. For all intents and purposes our addiction was invisible.
Now of course, most of the above needs to be taken with a grain of salt as they say! Addicts are consummate liars who also have a massive capacity to rationalize any sort of potentially unethical or illegal behavior, and I am sure that I was no better, even though through these years, I had pretty much convinced myself that this didn’t apply to me. This particular topic, though, is too complex to go into much more detail right now, but I will tackle this subject in the very near future.
But back to the parents…their ever increasing numbers gives one pause for concern as I suspect that the blogs that are currently out there are barely a tip of the iceberg. Where we see one, I’m guessing there are ten more. Tragic, indeed. Below are some of the ones that I follow regularly. As my links are not as current on this computer as they had been on Sara’s, I know that there are a few excellent ones that I have overlooked – I apologize in advance for this oversight. By no means is it at all intentional. If you have a similar type of blog that is not in this list, please feel free to let me know so that I can update my links section. I encourage anyone that has taken the time to read this entry to also make sure that they take the time to visit the blogs that are listed below.
